World Mental Health Day: From backflips to bedpans

Today is World Mental Health Day, so I thought I would honour it with a different kind of blog post:

Sometimes I wonder how I got here.
Especially so fast.

How did I go from hours in the gym, training, running, flipping, to this.
Things changed really fast for me.

British Championships was an amazing experience, I was so happy to hit all my routines and claim 6 British titles. Then 8 day's later my world was turned upside down.

I found myself back in hospital, reacting over and over again.
Then I was back in Intensive Care, still reacting.
Even when I got home, reacting.
Back in hospital, reacting.
Home, reacting.
Resuscitation, reacting.
High dependency unit, reacting.

Wires, tubes, drips, pads, needles. A whole world away from gymnastics.

Then I lost my hair. I tried to make it the most positive I could, armed with cosy hat's and funky head accessories I was ready. Yet I still look in the mirror and I'm met with the reflection of a young woman I don't even recognise. Where has the athlete gone? Who is this pale, bald and timid person.

I had accepted that I would look different after everything by body has been though. I lost a lot of weight at first and my bones dug in when I lay down, however now there is lot's of fluid that is being retained. I have days where my stomach is so swollen I look 7 months pregnant and it's difficult to move my body around without causing too much pain or fainting. My lips swell up and down so frequently they have left jagged cracks all across my mouth, scarred.. My arms bruised from all the needles, my eyebrows thinning and my eyes grey from the constant battle, but I am still me.

This condition make take my hair, my independence and even my ability to breathe sometimes, but I am still me.

I have no ability to control this condition, and I can not predict the outcome, but what I can do is appreciate the mind-set I have developed from having a life-threatening condition. Sure it isn't easy having your mortality rubbed in your face every minute of everyday but I take advantage of the ability to see things that healthy people don't. I can see the good in rainy days.

I have learned to love the lumps and bumps, the bruises and the baldness because it's still me. No amount of self-doubt or hatred will change that so you have to accept yourself and feel beautiful, because no-one else can do that for you.

I don't see this condition as a death sentence, but more as a life sentence. It pushes me to live!

Please remember that if you are ever struggling- talk to someone. Do not suffer in silence. You are beautiful and you deserve to be happy, don't let anything or anyone make you think otherwise.