Thankyou from a grenade

I would give anything to walk away from all this.
The ability to walk away from the hell that Mast Cell Activation puts me though on a daily basis.

However I don't have this option.

It baffles me how amazing my friends are. These individuals have the opportunity to walk away from all this and never look back- yet they stay by my side. They hold my hand when I flight for my life, they cry with me when things are bleak and they laugh along with me on my crazy adventures.

I'm not a huge fan of books and films that failing health a beautiful drama, however there is a beautiful quote from 'The Fault in Our Stars' which I find very relatable.

'I'm a grenade and at some point I'm going to blow up and I would like to minimize the casualties.'
I love my friends and I want to protect them as best I can. I force myself not to isolate myself from them to prevent damage, but to allow them the choice and the option to walk away if they wish. I experience some frightening reactions, but I cant begin to imagine what they go through as a witness. I'm not sure I could watch a friend dying right before me and hold back the tears, yet somehow my friends do. They are my strength when I am weak and I know will be by my side until the very end.

When the end does come I hope they are comforted by knowing how much they meant to me, and I hope that they continue to speak my name with the ease that they do now. Until then I'm busy making amazing memories with amazing people.

Ticking off bucket list wishes, singing at the top of our voices in the car and laughing until I react and have to push rescue medication.

As much as I want to protect them, I owe many amazing friends my life. I've been lucky through the opportunities I've had in life to befriend many paramedics, nurses and other HCP's. Unfortunately due to the nature of MCAS it's meant them helping me when I can no longer help myself. Most recently to the amazing Sarah, for holding my hand with warmth when the world felt cold and blurry. For helping the medics understand how best to help me and for not treating me like a grenade. Also to Angela, for being my guardian angel and breathing for me when I couldn't breathe for myself.

And for everyone one who follows my story, loves my gymnastics or is a friend of mine. Thankyou for believing in me when I couldn't believe in myself.

This Sunday is the 2017 British Gymnastics Championships and at the time of writing this, I'm highly unsure I will be able to compete. However if I do, I'll be performing in honour of you all!